Really real widow post:

The memory posts are getting closer and closer to the two year mark but I’ve felt it in my chest for weeks. My anxiety is making me nauseas and as much as I know I need to live and thrive and not revert to survival mode it’s taking everything in me just to put one foot in front of the other.

I feel like I’m functioning within this constant whirlwind. I’m making the motions, I’m doing the things but my head is screaming to get out. Run. Every noise is danger. Every sudden movement is something I need to react to. I’m on edge. I want to puke. My brain is so so loud. I’m afraid of messing it all up.

Everything feels like tension and tension is palpable even where it has nothing to do with me. But tension is triggering as fuck for me.

(Trigger warning: Talk about Parker’s actual death here (but not suicide really)…. more than some will be comfortable hearing but not actually graphic, just the kind of shit our society doesn’t talk about)

Parker and I fought before she died. The kind of verbal fight that had us going to our own corners to chill out. Except, the only “real” conversation after that was a text she sent me saying “I love you, I’m sorry”

Later when I went to bed and she was already sleeping I remembered thinking “she must be okay, she must understand, the tension is gone.” But typically it never mattered if she was sleeping. If we were fighting the tension stayed until we talked it out.

The next morning when I went to wake her I realized she was dead.

Ghost wives are no longer angry and so there wasn’t tension.

Tension is hugely triggering and while it’s always been a problem for me, I hate seeing people around me upset. Now, that tension in the air, that fight or flight response….

Right now I shut down. I’m on edge and I don’t know how to respond. Stores make me feel agoraphobic again, I want to lock myself in the house and not leave.

I am feeling everybody’s everything’s.

What if it’s my fault. What will the outcome be.

When will the next feeling of tension cause the next snowball of events like that time did?

My body is waiting for that need to react.

And meanwhile I’m sitting in a car, typing this, posting it, so I can put on a totally okay face and NSO another derby event because while all of this is happening and I’m trying so so hard not to lean too much on anyone, especially those closest to me because that’s how people die, that’s how I push them away, that’s how I become too much….

I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to live and thrive and not just survive because I have seen the alternative.

Tension fucking sucks.

Widowing Ain’t Easy.

(No time to edit, pardon typos please)


Content note: mental health stuffs. Not really any triggering content that I know of (heeyyyy progress!!!!)

My day started with me muttering “Fuck” when I woke up at 1050 for an 11am therapist appointment. It’s been a long long time since I’ve done that. So much baggage built into oversleeping.

Old me would have spewed anger everywhere and all over everyone. This time I was a lot calmer. Luckily I had clothes out (thanks last night me) because my room is a damn disaster due to depression.

Wonder Woman drove me. I hate needing help (Self Saving Warrior Princess… remember?) I’m glad she was there to help me. So fucking glad. Can we even discuss how much I was beating myself up on that drive?

Therapy went well. More discussions about PRP vs IOP vs DBT groups (you need a masters in abbreviations to keep up). I left with more numbers to call. We talked about unpacking unnecessary baggage vs just leaving it at the top of the steps (I argued that I would still have to clean it up later).

And then my amazing girlfriend took me on a walk through the park.

Damn exercise. Eww fresh air and nature. Ewwwww holding hands and cute pictures with a super cute girl.

I’m still grumpy and blah, but a little less so. And my brain is a little less of an asshole right now.

This weekend was great with derby stuff and there were still many hard hard hours between when’re I held on and that was all I could do.

Today started off horribly jarring and ick and then was a great walk in the park and a great lunch.

Maybe I can start reversing the ratio of shit moments to good ones?

My brain needs a break.