sad

Pushing forward.

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 1 Comment

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I spent most of last night coming up with excuses to stay home today.

I’m supposed to be going to a DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) meeting.  I’m supposed to go to the gym for the first time in who knows how long.

But last night I was already looking for excuses.

I woke up at 5am, couldn’t sleep anymore, and decided that I needed to do the menu planning and grocery shopping I haven’t done in weeks.  We’ve been surviving off of what I could pull together out of the kitchen, and the occasional quick run into a store.  I don’t really want to, but it’s very much needed.

I still don’t want to go to support group or the gym.  Both of them seem like a kind of work I just don’t want to deal with right now.

But I will go.

Excuses are easy, the real self care comes in pushing to do the things I don’t want to do.

Pushing myself to leave the house.

Pushing myself to get involved in stuff when nothing is appealing.

Pushing myself to do the dishes and clean the house.

Pushing myself to function.

Pushing through the depression.

And the thing is, the depression doesn’t even seem all that bad.  I just want to hibernate and sleep. It’s cold out, it’s dark, it’s crowded everywhere I go.

I’d rather sit home with an adorable little kitten sleeping on my chest.

But, I’ll push myself forward.

Again,

and again,

and again.

Until this passes.

 

One Little Piece of Bone

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 2 Comments

This is a Really Real Widow Post.

Parker tripped off a step.

She was taking Siah out for a walk, something that fell on her shoulders far more often than mine, and Siah went the wrong way around the porch rail. Parker lost her footing and tripped off the edge of the porch.

She broke the tip of her bone, in a non weight bearing area that normally causes some pain but doesn’t even keep people off of their feet. Most people don’t even realize they broke it.

But hers never healed and 3 years ago today she went into surgery to have it removed and have some ligaments and tendons moved around so everything would heal properly.

I took some pictures and a video of her that day in the pre-surgery room.

She hated me taking her picture.

I’m kinda glad she did because it allowed me to get “the Parker look” on video.

She was still wearing the boot from surgery the day she died.

These next few weeks are a series of memories leading up to the day she died. These next few weeks are the final moments. The tension, the struggle. Things just weren’t right and I didn’t see it.

But it wasn’t my job to.

I can’t believe it’s been a full three years.

But I can’t believe it’s only been three years.

Time is a dichotomy.

I’ve felt this grief building in my gut since the beginning of the month, I knew it was coming.

But I’m not sad right now. I’m grieving for sure, but it’s not the gut punching sadness.

It’s hard to explain.

I miss her. I miss who she was and who she would be now.

I miss the Parker look when I would do something supremely unhelpful to the situation.

But I’m not sad. This isn’t that kind of grief.

I’m at peace with where life is right now.

But I also know that may change over the coming weeks as it gets closer to June 8th.

I hope she’s at peace where ever she is.

I don’t have a specific believe in an afterlife, but I don’t have a non-belief either. I know she’s somewhere even if it’s just the ashes in a box. She still exists either as matter or a soul, somewhere.

I hope she’s at peace, where ever that is.

She spent too much of her life not at peace.

One little piece of bone.

That’s all she broke.