Tribe

Thankful for Friends

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

Considering how spectacularly shitty the last 36 hours has been in my brain, it’s also been pretty incredible to see how much my people love me.

Everything from the way Wonder Woman just keeps being here. I keep expecting to be too much and she’s just here and doesn’t seem to flinch. I’m perplexed.

To the friend that just keeps showing up and asking if we’re walking or gym-ming tonight. It’s like she keeps twisting my arm and reminding me to take care of that part too. Gah.

To the friends that are helping figure out logistics and listening online to my trains that keep derailing and helping me pull them back in so I can keep it together long enough to let the process work.

The friends who are keeping games of words with friends going in their spare moments . . .I don’t know if they realize how helpful those games were tonight while I was trying to make some order out of my house again.

And then all of the people who publicly and privately reminded me how making the call was the bad ass self care that needed to happen.

Thank you all.

I made it through one more day.

5.17.18 part 2

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

So, I went, drove into the parking lot, left, came back, sat in the car for 15 minutes, and then finally talked myself into actually going in, even though I was late.

My boss was amazing as usual and spent about 30 minutes just chatting with me, and pointed out to me how amazing it was that I kept in touch with her each day I was supposed to work, even while trying to keep myself out of the crisis unit (and at the time she had no idea it was that bad). I took the time I needed to get back on stable ground, and still came back once I was doing better.

That’s the part I wouldn’t have stuck with before. . .I never would have gone back.

And the thing is, when I decided I was ready for something like work earlier this year, I knew that I wanted to go with volunteer instead of paid work, first, because of the chance of something like this happening. And I knew that working in this field, and in the right office would be important because a supportive environment will make the difference for me. A paid job would most likely had to fire me at this point, but this was really good practice at how to handle a situation like this and next time (if there is a next time) I may be able to push through a little better, or come back a little sooner, and at least I know I can go back.

The same thing with school, I’ve been working towards my bachelors degree for 20 years now, and just now crossed the halfway mark. I never went back after I failed out of a semester of classes . . and i never managed to drop the classes if I was getting over my head (controlled crash and burn) . . and I keep going back, figuring out what I can change and trying again. I’m only moving inches at a time, but I keep trying. Eventually I’ll get there.

My boss just kept reminding me that I’ve come so far, and that I’m doing it one inch at a time but still making huge progress. I’m fighting against my brain every moment of every day.

Two years ago I couldn’t leave the apartment alone, and I couldn’t be left home alone for any significant period of time.

Two years ago I couldn’t walk around the block without stopping to catch my breath. I couldn’t walk up to my apartment without using the rails to drag me up.

Almost 2 years ago my world stopped turning, the bottom dropped out,

and I realized I could fly.

I used to post every time I walked a block, every time I went to the gym, every time I went to an appointment alone or got on a city bus. Now those are things I do without thinking twice.

And I know what I need to keep moving towards my goals. I knew what I needed when I took this volunteer job at United Way, and I know what I need to keep doing now. I’m getting there, one step at a time, even when some of those steps feel like they are backwards.

I just have to keep doing it.

5.17.18 part 1

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

I’m trying like hell to do the thing.

I put United Way on hold for a bit while i pulled my brain out of it’s own ass during dumb brain week.

Now I’m trying to get back in this week and dumb brain is telling me dumb things about how they don’t want me and I’m not going to be able to make it and I’m having a hard time getting out of my own way.

I logically know this is dumb brain, mental health stuff, but that’s just making it worse right now . . . stuck in a fucking loop.

Turbulent

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Shit. Mental Health Crap. “Hey Tina . . Don’t Die” Stuff.

My brain is so so so loud.

Angry angry thoughts. Directed outward and directed inward and It’s all based on being so overwhelmed with the number of changes even though I want it all.

My brain is still retreating to old habits, old coping mechanisms that are supremely unhelpful. I once heard a quote “it’s comfortable in a warm pile of shit” Even if a situation sucks it’s often far easier than actually changing it because change is incredibly turbulent.

Right now I’ve hit a very turbulent period of growth and change and my brain is pissed. I want ALL of the things that are ahead. I want this growth. I want to continue to become the amazing person I’m meant to be. I want to finally be myself instead of living in the shell of me.

But right now the turbulence is trying to tear me apart and I’m trying not to lash outward or take it out on myself.

The frequency of my suicidal ideations just keeps increasing. I’m back to having safety plans that include other people to keep me safe from myself. I’m basically fighting to get myself out of the house every day when really I just want to curl up in a ball and stop existing.

My therapist and I are exploring a number of different options including increasing therapy and I may end up back in some sort of out patient intensive program.

Yep, this fucking sucks, but, staying alive is kind of important because I do want whats next.

Sometimes this means gut wrenching sobs late at night, that end in laughter when I realize I woke Wonder Woman up, and that, no she doesn’t mind, but it’s still weird and embarrassing to have someone right there holding me. I hate that I’m going through this again.

I hate the images I’m seeing, flashes of death and dying and not being sure if I want to run from it or to it and hating that I even question the decision. I know what it feels like to be left behind, I hate that in the moment, I don’t even have the mental energy to consider those that would be. All I can think of is stopping the pain I’m in. It’s not a rational thing, but the guilt when I come out of it . . .holy fuck, I can’t even describe what the guilt on top of every thing else is like.

“If she was his real mom, she wouldn’t have done that” Right . . . . then how am I even considering it?

I found Parker . . and at some point after the ideations get bad, I always go to “Holy fuck . . . how would I put someone through that.” and that’s on top of visualizing myself there first.

It’s not just being suicidal, it’s not just wanting to die . . . it’s then beating myself up for all of it, and going round and round and round. And feeling like if I don’t pick the right form of treatment moving forward, this is how it’s going to play out, and I will end up dead and someone will find me and they will live this and it will all repeat.

I’m sharing this because I know I’m not the only one that goes through this and maybe if someone else knows that they aren’t alone, they will keep fighting too. Maybe they will know they are a little less crazy than they think they are.

For that matter, maybe someone will remind me that I’m not alone, and that I’m not as crazy as I think I am . . . because even though I logically understand why all this is happening, and I’m supposed to know I will pull out of it, again. . . .

Sometimes it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one. I know I have so so many people out there, but my brain is so so loud.

And right now that warm pile of shit would be comfortable to crawl back into.

Charades

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

This is to piggyback of the other post I shared.

I was an ostracized kid. I had a weird cough when my asthma acted up, and I was too much, and I was ‘off’ compared to the other kids my age, and I just didn’t fit in, and still to this day I’m not exactly sure why, and shit, at 37 years old I’m just now finding my place in this world and owning it. Which may have been a big part of the problem, I tried way too hard to fit in and I just don’t fit in, I stand out, and honestly, that’s the best part about me.

And if I would have walked in and shot up a school that would have been my fault, and not the fault of the kids who knew I didn’t fit in. Yeah, they were assholes for talking behind my back and making fun of me and making sure I knew that I wasn’t wanted and wasn’t good enough, but being nice has NOTHING to do with violence and gun safety and keeping guns out of someones hands.

And including people who make you uncomfortable isn’t your job.

There’s a fine line between accepting someone who is different, and expecting people to be close to someone who they are uncomfortable around to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves or others. That’s not your job.

Don’t talk about people behind their backs (venting when your feelings are hurt is one thing, but theres’ a line were it crosses to making fun of someone), tell people if they upset you, and help them learn to be better or do better if you have the emotional energy to do that, otherwise drop it. But you don’t have to be around someone who isn’t your type of person.

(oh, and fuck you all who made me feel like shit when I was in school, and especially fuck you who joined in on charades while we’re at it)